Hunting The Muse

Here is my match.com profile

Here is my match.com profile - ya think I describe myself well? I've met a couple of good friends here in Portland through this already.

J.K. Rowling gets married -

J.K. Rowling gets married - yay! Her hubby is younger than me; I could've married her. sigh.

Goddammit, I am going to

Goddammit, I am going to have to stop reading Ain't It Cool News altogether - they are getting REALLY lazy on spoilers - and it's all the fault of the Coax section. Last year in the spoilers for a week's episode of Buffy (which I read after watching the episode) it also just lazily referred to a HUGE spoiler in a future episode ("Buffy's impending death...") and ruined the whole season for me. Today in the fucking HEADLINES for an article it referred to a "major death" in the show later this season. I didn't need or want to know there would be a major death. Stupid stupid stupid.

By the way, I can

By the way, I can vouch for Facing Future by Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwo'ole as a great cd - I bought it for my niece and listened to the whole thing today. Really, really great - and not just the song that everyone talks about (#14). You can buy it for me through my wishlist. ;-)

Oh, and Merry Christmas, by

Oh, and Merry Christmas, by the way! I got a nice scarf.

Slashdot | BBC Rerunning Radio

Slashdot | BBC Rerunning Radio Lord of the Rings - this has the details... I've already got these saved, but it might be fun to listen to them all this way, too. I think I only want to listen to the first third, though - would rather wait for the movies for the other two chapters!

Merry Christmas Eve! I am

Merry Christmas Eve! I am slowly coming up with all sorts of new years resolutions. I do an exhaustive self-analysis every year and try to come up with year goals, although this is the first time I've also tried the 3-year goals thing. I can't even fathom 5 years from now, however. I don't think I'm professionally ambitious enough, and that leaves personal evolution, which is more affected by circumstance... so I'll stick to 3 years for now.

I've figured out most of the presents I've gotten for people - it will be a lean christmas, but it should still be fun. We will have an excellent meal tonight - twice-baked potatoes and fondue. Yummmmm. And then a great breakfast tomorrow, after which everyone just sits around and reads or naps all day. This year might be different though because Mir is such an energy ball.

It turns out most of my resolutions are dependent on me finally getting my apartment in order, so that's when I get back. Sigh.....

Well, I had an idea

Well, I had an idea for a christmas present for my family. After seeing (and reading part of) Lord of the Rings, I think I'd like to put together an elven feast. Even if it's just an elven snack. I am trying to come up with ideas of food that sounds and feels elven, though. So far I've thought of grapes, mead, and honeycomb. I know there are some other beverages I can use also, like they describe a water-like drink that also has flowers and honey in it, but I'm not sure what that is - anyone know? Also if anyone has any other ideas of food that is elven, please comment here. I've found a couple of really cool looking ornate craffs that I can put the wine and mead in, and maybe I'll have some funky candles or something to make them glow. Anyone else have ideas of how to put together a good elven feast?

Just seeing my niece as

Just seeing my niece as a fully conscious human being for the first time. Yes, I'm home for Christmas, blogging from Colorado. Mir is so funny - she is around 2 1/2, and is in this funny gap where she is silent and shy and cute most of the time - one-word answers, hiding her eyes - but then she'll bust out with the funniest, most lucid sentences. We all said good night to her tonight and she was acting like she was asleep, and I said, "You fooled me!" and she paused and giggled and threw out her arms and proclaimed, "Oh, I just love fooling you, Turc!" Everyone just laughed and laughed. It's pretty eerie.

It isn't that the kids are silly. They're dead serious about their discoveries and "playful" needs - it's just that interacting with them turns on the silly switch in all the adults. I seriously can't help making silly faces and outlandish noises at her - it's not like she starts it or anything. I either hate that I love it or love that I hate it, but either way it works out to me enjoying the hell out of it.

lord of the rings. wow.

lord of the rings. wow. I just sort of sat there and let myself be overwhelmed by it. It was glorious.

Man... just when I thought

Man... just when I thought tv was starting to really suck with crap like survivor, they come out with shows like Alias and 24. 24 was really intense tonight. there were a couple of things about it that could probably bother me if I let them, but I'm just so thankful that there are writers that are trying hard... so I won't let them.

Salon.com People | New on

Salon.com People | New on DVD: OBL - The Bin Laden video - The Director's Cut!

Just realized that an $800

Just realized that an $800 check (ha, now you know I write aurally) I wrote a few weeks ago hasn't cleared yet, so my bank account is smaller than I thought... oops.

What I really want is

What I really want is a search engine that answers the question, "What's the word for when you....?" Sometimes those are important questions. The english language is just as limited as any language in that it uses societal history to frame our concepts, which frames our words, which limits our thinking. Maybe sometimes there isn't a word in our language for "when you...." but there should be. Maybe there is that word in other languages, maybe there isn't. Three months ago I was looking for a word, and it bugged the hell out of me that I couldn't find it. My question was, "What's the word for when you have one feeling that makes sense, and you have another feeling that makes sense, but the two feelings don't make sense when put together, even though you feel like you have to make them make sense? You have to something them. What is that?" And it was a very important question for me. After weeks of frustration I finally remembered it was the word "reconcile" and focusing on that very word has helped me with a lot of emotional growth these past couple of months.

Now my question is, "what is it called when someone takes two assertions and uses them to prove each other, skipping past the possibility that maybe both are wrong; that they only make sense within a limited field of experience, and that in the big picture the entire surrounding framework might be invalid?" It almost seems like it should be a word. To me, anyway. It's kind of like "truism" but not really.

Saw Vanilla Sky... man, I

Saw Vanilla Sky... man, I don't think I'll be having erotic dreams about Cameron Diaz anytime soon.

"TECH SUPPORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Fun with Photoshop - I

Fun with Photoshop - I guess once in a while they take a random photo and ask their readers to photoshop it. This is hilarious. I like the one with the enema bottle.

I am very proud of

I am very proud of myself because I just got my my linux desktop able to print to my printer through samba, which is connected to another linux box. For some reason I was never able to figure it out until now. It works great!

"I believe I have just

"I believe I have just had the most perfect film experience in my life." - Harry Knowles

My god. Could the buildup be any more intense?

oops. That's a master mind

oops. That's a master mind flayer, a pyrolisk, a cockatrice, an earth elemental, and some other very powerful baddies, all summoned from an ice troll zapping a wand of create monster. I'm done for.

Here is a quote from

Here is a quote from my business dinner tonight.

"The thing about neuroscience is also something that reminds me of economics. You can know everything about the how the lowest levels, the synapses, the tiny things, everything about how it works, and you can also know everything about the levels on top, what effects they have, and you can still know NOTHING about what's in between, it's like quantum mechanics! They think there's one thing that will explain it all, and it won't! So that's what graphics processing is like!"

I am finding that my

I am finding that my difficulty in adjusting to being apart from my ex is inversely proportional to how intrigued I am about the possibility of having sex with any woman I've recently met. No prospects or been shot down? I'm a wreck. A flirty glance across the room or the days before I know a lady well enough to feel sexually incompatible? Who's my ex?

back on the upswing again...

back on the upswing again... looking forward to this weekend. I'm going out with some friends to see many many tubas on Saturday, and then I think to a showing of "It's A Wonderful Life" on Sunday, which I've only seen once. The ex and I talked a bit this week until I hit my limit... it'll be nice to go out and have some fun. Also, I can't believe I haven't seen Ocean's Eleven yet - and I read an absolutely stunning review over on Ain't It Cool about LOTR.

Not much really happened these

Not much really happened these last two days. The weekday daytimes are kind of funk-centric by default... all the recruiters are going through the motions right now since it's a lousy time to hire people anyway. I suppose I should be christmas shopping.

I think the tamara funk changed my mindframe with the woman I recently asked out. I saw her again today and there wasn't any of the same level of intrigue - I was just preoccupied. We're not really in the same league, anyway...

Feeling really stuck again about life purpose - I'm going to dig out those writing exercises again to give myself a boost.

For some reason that chat

For some reason that chat a couple entries down has hit me pretty hard. Sometimes it's easy to doubt what I'm doing. Years ago we almost broke up - were having all the discussions - and then one day she said, "Curt... what the hell are we doing?" and it was like a cloud lifted.

There are so many ways to doubt. There are so many ways to be certain there's only one right choice. I'm trying to challenge all that and just tell myself it's okay, it's fine, it's right to move forward - forward in any direction - but it's so challenging.

Collab Filtering Gone Awry -

Collab Filtering Gone Awry - this blog entry wins the prize for giving me my loudest and hardest laugh of the day.

Woo - I have a

Woo - I have a level 11 orcish wizard with 79 hit points, AND he found two ghosts of previous adventurers with all their treasures.

She said:"So are you feeling

She said:

"So are you feeling like you are not in love with me anymore?"

"Ugh, don't ask me that."

"I need to know where I am."

"....yeah."

"Are you saying 'yeah' to the question of whether you're feeling like you are not in love with me anymore?"

"Yeah."

ugh.

Well, the breakup is pretty

Well, the breakup is pretty recent, but it's also true I've been meeting women lately that I actually feel somewhat attracted to. I'm sorta exploring it a little bit... I have to sooner or later, I guess, and if I feel tempted I might as well research it. We'll see... there was one attempt to hang out with a lady I sing with tonight, but it was pretty last minute. Also a couple of other ladies I feel a bit intrigued about. It's all pretty light and pretty silly right now because I don't feel capable of hooking into someone on all that deep of a level, but you gotta start somewhere I guess.

Remember that ringtones project I

Remember that ringtones project I was involved in? To create ringtones for a new ringtones site, for free-but-for-a-potential-royalty? Well, that's hit a snag and I have to mail the test phone back I've had sitting here on my desk. I think that means it's appropriate I take the items off my todo list, the ones that say "create midi-to-rtttl-to-8-bit-binary converter". I think I had been procrastinating on that one because it has rightfully fallen behind in priority when compared to:

• Make more portland contacts
• Spruce up resume
• Keep looking for paying work

ah well... and in the meantime I've been approached for working on a video compression product. again, moneyless... "for now, anyway", as they say. Although I have to admit it feels like a step up in terms of responsible business planning. We'll see.

"So keep taking those acting

"So keep taking those acting lessons, Lennox, because your next role will be playing Cinderella, and I am going to break your little glass chin." - Mike Tyson

What an idiot.

How many elephants does it

How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's irrelephant. HAHAHAHAHAHA

I am Benoit Mandelbrot Holding a Chicken. I redefine tables of pepper with my jocular slices of casino. Elevated plastic toes infuse my intestinal dichotomies with limp inkwells. My forgotten compass is enscribed by master carrots. Which prawns require dough? The Utterly Surreal Test

Here I am pasting some

Here I am pasting some test results:

If I were a work of art, I would be Claude Monet's Waterlilies. I am soft and gentle, but very colourful. Although based in reality, I look at the world through a filter of impressions which shape how I see things. Splashes of light help to define my presence and bring an endearing quality. Which work of art would you be? The Art Test

Well, I found a more

Well, I found a more stable nethack, although the graphics aren't as cool. My barbarian was just killed on level 10 of the gnomish mines by an Air Elemental - that's the furthest I've gotten yet! He had 99 hit points - I still haven't broken the 100 hit point barrier.

It's not like women even

It's not like women even care about substance until they don't have it long enough to bitch. - ouch.

Salon.com Sex | Buffy's will-to-power

Salon.com Sex | Buffy's will-to-power - A psychoanalysis of Buffy's sexual urges.

Help!!! What is the term

Help!!! What is the term for when a king would support a "court musician" to create works? It's not "commission", and it's not "sponsorship". What is it????

The rain had been toying

The rain had been toying with me. I was trying to increase my motivation and my physical activity levels, and the rain was getting cocky. I got up one day to drive my pickup to the arboretum - a beautiful, sunny drive on the way - and then a huge cloud covered the sun and there was a downpour just as I got out of the truck. I hung out for a while, gave up, drove back down the hill. The rain stopped, the sun came out. I refused to be beaten - I drove back up, parked, and had a good walk. But the rain bothered me. It was tormenting me.

Realizing that I was anthropomorphizing a meteorological event, I knew I needed a break. So I went to Florida.

My grandmother lives in Florida now. She lives in a retirement village - a very upscale one. My parents have recently bought a condo in the area, their "second place". It's new, and they just furnished it. It's weird to realize I am now from the families that have "second places". Funny, I don't feel overpriveleged. I hadn't seen my grandmother for twelve years. She offered to fly me out. So I got the ticket.

I took the Max to the airport. It was the first time I had done public transportation here in Portland. The first time is always a big thing to me. Now it's no big deal, of course - but I really did have a feeling of Portland opening up to me. It's so easy, I realized, to go to the mall, to go to The Rose Garde, to go to the Irish Pub downtown. And I got to the airport quicker than if I had driven.

Hours later we were getting ready to land in Fort Myers. The sun was setting and it was very low in the sky. We banked away from the sun, and the sun shone off the underside of our plane - I could see the ultrabright reflection shining onto the ground - a concentrated beam of light moving across houses and lakes. I wondered if this was the sort of thing people reported as possible UFOs. I didn't envy the job of the person that takes the UFO sighting calls. Then it got darker, and strangely, the light only reflected onto the tops of low-hanging clouds and fog banks. It didn't reflect onto streets or houses or fields - just fog. It must have been the moisture. I was entranced.

I bought a Tom Clancy book, stayed up late at night reading it. I practiced defensive reading - deliberately skipping entire plotlines that I saw as irrelevant to the reading experience *I* wanted to have. They all eventually fold back in together anyway, and then you find out the short version - that person x investigated y and found out z. Good enough for me. Using such strategies I was able to finish the 1100-page book in three nights.

The first day was great - so much sun. My body felt like it was just drinking it in. My dad had just bought a small boat, and we went motoring around the canals and channels. My parents didn't really know all of what they were doing, but they liked using their GPS, maps, and fishfinder. In water there are colored buoys and strange traffic rules that tell you what side of the buoy you should be boating on - rules that flip-flop to the opposite once you are a couple of miles away from shore. Very confusing and we were often on the wrong side.

Halfway through the door we were slowly maneuvering our way through a shipyard full of shrimp boats. I found out that the schedule of shrimp boats is dictated by the moon - since the moon was full, all of the boats were home, because shrimp don't move when the moon is full. It's too bright out. So we were passing by all these nearly-identically structured shrimp boats. There was a shrimp boat titled "The Eliminator", right next door to an identical one titled "Baby Girl".

There are restaurants on the water in Florida. We got to take our boat to a restaurant, dock it, go in, have some lunch, and then get back in our boat and go back to the condo. That was cool.

That evening we had dinner at the retirement community. Old people don't scare me as much as they did when I was a kid, but there are still times when it is depressing. The level of vitality varies so much from person to person - you can sense personal histories, written out and wide open, displayed obviously on the faces, postures, and bearings of the people. Struggles never overcome, coping mechanisms tenaciously held on to, and stubborn, attractive optimism in their tones of voice. My grandmother's face is less set than it used to be - she is shorter, she has trouble getting out of her chair... it was a bit unsettling at first. But she is so funny, so endearing.

Fifteen or twenty years ago I was with my parents and grandmother in North Carolina. We were at a mountain lodge, and my parents saw it had an upright piano. They wanted me to play piano for my grandmother because I never had before. I wasn't ready - I hadn't practiced my pieces for weeks and felt very unsure of myself. They insisted, along with another guest we barely knew - she was quite overbearing about it. I sat down to play Chopin's Fantasie-Impromptu - my emotions constricted into the equivalent of tunnel vision, I felt far away from my fingers, stopped after the first few seconds and started crying. Angry at my parents, I didn't play and never got a chance to again.

So for the previous two weeks I had been working up Fantasie- Impromptu and a Debussy piece - "Reflets dans l'eau". After dinner we walked through the lobby and I noticed the Yamaha grand piano. Most people had emptied out the lobby and they invited me to sit down. I played Fantasie-Impromptu all the way through - a few mistakes like normal but overall a passable job. My parents told me later that they could tell it meant a lot to my grandmother. My mother had also gone to get the music I had brought, and then I played through the Debussy, with the music. I am still working on it, so I had a couple of pseudo-stops (I faked through them). The emotional narrative wasn't really there because my mental process was more along the lines of "okay, hit this arpeggio! oh man, watch that hand position... ack, what's that chord??" and not the purely emotional channeling of evolution, foreshadowing, culmination. But it came off well - after I stopped, I looked up and saw about ten or twelve other old people standing around the lobby watching and smiling and then clapping. They were a really warm appreciative audience, all chatting with me afterward. It was really nice. I'm glad I got to play for her.

Over the next couple of days Florida started to feel kind of annoying. For some reason the sunlight there starts to feel kind of harsh - energetically the city felt like a house whose paint was peeling. The pastel colors were bugging me. I noticed that my parents decorating choices were what I equated as "old people choices" - floral print upholstery and the like. I realized later that it's not "old people decorating", it's "Florida decorating" - and probably the only reason I equated it that way was because of how my grandparents-from-Florida always decorated the same way.

It is very difficult to eat vegetarian in Florida. I pretty much ate seafood the entire time. The times I attempted to be a bit more healthy I was surprised in other ways. I ordered a meal of baked mushrooms stuffed with cheese and lobster meat, and it ended up being absolutely drowned in a soup/stew of mozzerella and ricotta cheeses. It was as close to the infamous "Pizza In A Cup" (in consistency) that I have ever experienced.

My father and I played a game of chess that will never exactly face the possibility of being written up in literature. I took his rook almost immediately - my queen ran straight into his bishop... it ended up with me with a king and pawns, and him with a king, pawns, and a knight - and then I somehow won. We both played very badly.

Soon it was time to return to Portland. On the flight on the way back, I sat next to a gentleman a couple years younger than myself. For the first half of the trip he read a book called "Five Minutes With Jesus", with helpful tips on rejoicing and prayer. For the second half of the trip he read a shooting magazine with helpful techniques on bagging elk and many many ads on powerful guns. Jesus and guns, Jesus and guns. I was caught between feeling like it made no sense and feeling it made perfect sense. I also mused briefly about how this man and I probably were not even capable of understanding each other, not at this point in our lives, where I am not sure of my place and he is probably even less sure of his. But it made me feel stronger to realize that I *have* already chosen a path somewhere along the line, just as he has - and that maybe, eventually, after we've accomplished more "training" in each of our paths, we can both still be good people, able to help each other.

I am back in Portland now. The rain no longer torments me.

I ordered an Ikea catalog.

I ordered an Ikea catalog. Is this a rite of passage? Did I go through it in the wrong direction?