Hunting The Muse

Wasn't really able to practice

Wasn't really able to practice piano for as long as I would have liked, but I got a little bit done. Feeling really dragged down and I am not sure what combination of food and exercise will help me feel a bit better. The last couple of times that big-bad stuff happened with me and Tam, I somehow injured myself, so I'm a bit worried about that happening too.... just being a bit more careful.

Been a couple of days,

Been a couple of days, I know. I think I am sort of glad that my don't-know-if-she's-my-girlfriend doesn't know about the weblog because I don't really want her to keep tabs on me this way... or perhaps I did tell her and she'd be reading with me assuming she wasn't, which would be okay too... at least I'm not tailoring anything. I've really just been destroyed these past couple of days. When a woman cheats on a guy, they say in literature that he grows horns... he gets "cuckolded" or something. metaphorically I can understand that, I feel like ashamed, like all of a sudden I am sort of the wimpy guy who that sort of shit happens to, who has girlfriends that cheat on him... it feels like I've been branded or something. It is fucked up because I know both that if roles were reversed then *I'd* be the dick and my girlfriend would just be a victim, which is nothing to be ashamed of... and also because I have male friends who have been cheated on in the past, and I don't see them as branded or weak or subconsciously damaged at all - I think of them and I just see that they were willing to put themselves out there, to invest their power and fidelity to another, which to me is a state of higher manhood. I just don't feel like I've totally integrated that view into myself yet.

I haven't broken up with her... there might be an implicit "yet" there but I am not sure... I am definitely taking a break for a few days because I really need to get out the house. We've sort of reached a point where I know she fully understands what she did and I know there's no more awful surprises coming about what happened, so I'm taking a breather.

A new entry on Pete's

A new entry on Pete's Fatherhood weblog - really good stuff.

Signed up for NaNoWriMo!

Signed up for NaNoWriMo!

Woo. daylight savings time really

Woo. daylight savings time really snuck up on me this time.

Really shitty day with the girlfriend. The kind of thing that makes you have a bit of a paradigm shift. Whole context changed. Right after experiencing it, went to friends who were having a gathering. Three of them just happen to be trained psychologists so I guess you could say I couldn't have been in better hands. And in other ways the day was wonderful - gorgeous outside, made me feel even more in love with Portland. I am really not looking forward to the next couple of days, though.

I went to Powell's bookstore

I went to Powell's bookstore today and it made me really uncomfortable. I feel like I don't like books right now, or at least I don't like the sheer volume of books that are in existence - they feel distracting to me. I actually started to feel physically bothered by being in the bookstore. I started to think about when people go to bookstores - sometimes it is because they are trying to find the answers to a question or researching something, and other times it is because they are simply searching for something to interest them. Then I started thinking of what would be a comforting place to be in, in contrast to a bookstore - and I thought of a purely white room, a white box - clean, unstained, white. Perhaps I'd want to just stand there for a while and breathe - perhaps I'd want the walls to be made of whiteboard, and I would have markers, and I could dump out my brain onto the clean white walls by scrawling my thoughts all over them, after which I could leave the room and shut the door.

I just think for whatever my "next step" is, in health, in realization, in evolution, the clues are already in me, and I just haven't linked them together yet; they just haven't settled in quite right yet. And I resent any forces that could distract that from happening or pollute up the mix in my brain any more.

I'm hearing murmurings about Harry

I'm hearing murmurings about Harry Potter - the first pre-reviews coming out... and the murmurings are that the movie is better than they had even hoped for. And thank god they kept the running time a bit longer (about 2:20). I can't wait.

I feel like I'm really

I feel like I'm really close to getting Debussy's 'Reflets dan l'eau' finished off - I'm being a bit lazy on some fingering, which probably isn't too smart... but I'm getting pretty close to being able to connect up the harder measures without pausing for hand placement. I don't feel ready to play it for friends - what's hard to explain is that even if you feel like you have 95% of the piece learned, it doesn't mean it will be 95% effective to play it. The narrative sweep doesn't really start to come into play until you're learning it that last 2%, so to play it for someone before then means that you're just sorta showing off technique and flourishes. Well, there, I guess I just explained it.

oof. Bed already!

oof. Bed already!

I am having a great

I am having a great time watching totally bizarre, bizarre shockwave animations. I hear that last one was done by some homeschooled teenager in minnesota.

I had an idea for

I had an idea for a business today, one that at least on the surface felt intriguing enough that I actually called some people, set up a business meeting, and got some questions answered. Felt good to have an idea that at least took me that far, even though it seems like it might turn into a bust. But I'm still checking into it, and maybe (hopefully) this will mean that I will have ideas like this more often. It's already led to one other idea I started discussing with friends tonight. More details later...

I added my wishlist to

I added my wishlist to my blog template. :-) I'm actually not much of a consumer so there's not a lot of stuff on it, but I figure everyone else is doing it, why not me?

It's really fun hearing a

It's really fun hearing a big church choir learn and perform a bit piece commissioned by a composer. I sat with the composer tonight and we talked about the piece and joked about what kind of job the choir (and the organist) were doing - it's kind of neat to be hooked in with what are some extremely talented musicians, including one who, it turns it, is a highly sought-out organist that gets really great gigs across the nation and overseas.

The composer, Jim Day, is very nice - his music is impressive and warm, without being in-your-face intimidating. As a musician, it can be hard to find music that is inspiring without being discouraging on other levels. And he might be giving me some composing advice in the future, which would really help (that is if I actually start to compose the few choral ideas I have).

Had a busy day today

Had a busy day today - after spending a lot of time on the phone trying to nail down some stuff with some savings, I went to a friend's house for lunch, talked about a business idea, and investigated that a little more thoroughly this afternoon. I also really wanted to go practice piano some more but instead I napped - twice. Tonight I'm going to go hear some composing and then I'm going to go to bed early... I'm a bit discouraged about the business idea I had, but not a lot. We'll see tomorrow when I get some price quotes.

Man, I got wrapped up

Man, I got wrapped up in emails again last night and didn't get to bed until 3am. I gotta at least get back to getting up by 9 or 9:30 to start feeling a bit higher energy again. Haven't had breakfast at breakfast time for quite a while now. I know that some of it is adjusting to the season change, with all the heavy rain lately I really slow down for a little while, almost like a subtle hibernation... and then I get acclimated and the energy picks up again. I feel like I can just tell that in the next few days I'm going to start getting really hungry again. In fact, a good stew is already starting to sound good... wonder if I can find a good recipe for a good vegetarian stew. Potatoes and dumplings and mmmmm....

My God, Buffy-the-vampire-slayer was hilarious

My God, Buffy-the-vampire-slayer was hilarious tonight. For those of you non-existent readers of this site, Buffy is my all time favorite television show and the best show that has ever been on TV, period. It's basically just everything a tv show should be - it actually has extremely affecting art sometimes, and other times doesn't take itself too seriously and gets flat-out silly, as it did tonight. What fun.

I'm also watching Smallville but I don't know if that will be a long-term habit. I don't really like having more than three or four shows I watch a week. I start to feel like a slurming slimy failure if that happens. If I'm going to waste time, I should be doing it in front of the computer. Uh.

Had my audition with the group tonight and it went really well and I ended up with really good impressions of the folks I know I will be singing with (if I'm in) - better impressions than two nights ago (which wasn't bad either). Might finally be making some friends in this town, which was much harder to do than I wanted it to be.

I missed my meeting today and apologized profusely to the composer I've been seeing - he was gracious and said I could come in these next couple of days. Hopefully I will make up for it. It would be good to run into my choir director tomorrow also, to let him know I'm still in the choir. :-) Sorta hard to rebound from when the funk hits... I don't have guilt about it like I used to, but it still can be delicate socially.

Vulva Puppet Gallery - hahahahahahaha

Vulva Puppet Gallery - hahahahahahaha

More shit with the girlfriend,

More shit with the girlfriend, and clearing it up involving missing one of my appointments today with no warning. I just left him hanging. That sucks. I think it's better now, but I really hope this doesn't happen regularly. This distance stuff can be really, really crappy. I really miss her at the same time and it is hard to find the dividing point and which side of it I am on.

Woof - everything in the

Woof - everything in the world got busy all of a sudden. I now have some appointment or another every day this week. I got hold of Ali and get to hear her sing tonight with "Jeremy" who I haven't met yet, tomorrow I am meeting with a composer and have an acap audition in the evening, Wednesday I'm meeting with the boys and girls club about being a piano teacher, Thursday I have lunch with Peter, and Friday I'm meeting with a PAL clubhouse about being a media assistant, after which I finally see some old college friends! Woo! And next week I'm meeting with the artistic director of a music theatre company. What fun!

Oh, and I decided on

Oh, and I decided on my business card finally! Here it is - the color won't be quite so day-glo orange, it will be more of a yellow-gold color (I guess the pantone colors don't translate well to web colors).

Well, woke up late today...

Well, woke up late today... but got a few more things planned for this week. Nothing professional yet, but a lot of nonprofessional things. I'm meeting with the boys and girls club on Tuesday or Wednesday about being a volunteer piano teacher... doing lunch with Peter on Thursday, at which point he's going to give me a key to his house to let our other friends in on Friday. Woo! Not much going on this afternoon, though... feeling antsy.

Had a chat with Tamara-in-Ireland today. It didn't leave me feeling too great...

can't sleep. :(

can't sleep. :(

This Modern World - more

This Modern World - more Tom Tomorrow! You know, I don't really get this one if it was supposed to be satirical or ironic. But I like it.

So I'm filling up the

So I'm filling up the week a bit more - I had a meeting with some a cappella folks tonight and it went pretty well. I really like the people I met that are in the group so far, but I'm not sure what their intentions are with the style. It is possible that it might be a little bit too far out there for me, especially if they start getting really into the crazy-ass noise-based stuff.

It's not that I don't like experimental music, it's just that an awful lot of it comes across as a giant affectation. Like that the idea of music is putting on shocking clothes and distorting one's voice and trying to making something as an original experience as possible - it's all surface-based to me. Like masking that there isn't anything originally musical going on underneath. But when that stuff is used in service of a good musical instinct, then it can be exciting and fun. So I'll just sort of feel into it and see how it goes.

One of the members, Ally (Allie? Alley? Ali?) sang some with guitar and it just sunk right into me. I don't remember the tune or the lyrics or what she was singing about because I was just so entranced with her tone. Ahhhh. So I'm going to go try and catch her at her gig at a coffee shop tomorrow night.

Tuesday I'm meeting with Jim, a local choral composer that I might be doing a piano project for, Tuesday night I have acap auditions, and Wednesday night I have choir rehearsal. I need to balance the week out a bit with some technical projects as well... well, so far so good.

Well, I almost got to

Well, I almost got to choir today, but was SO TIRED... it just wasn't going to happen. So I went back to sleep. But then, of course, I got woken up again at around 8:45, and each time I get waken up it seems to add an hour to how much I want to sleep, so I didn't really get up until noon or so. Yuck!

I was really bummed yesterday about the lack of social ideas I had so I did some brainstorming and found a bunch of ideas through volunteermatch.org - some stuff that might really be right up my alley, including teaching piano to disadvantaged kids!! And tonight I'm meeting up with an a cappella group that is trying to form - this one might have potential, although I'm not sure how strong my desire is for this. I've said no to it so many times in the past.

This is a test from

This is a test from a blogging command-line application I found... pretty cool overall! I can just type and type and type... what would be ideal is if I could do this from vim. I bet I can figure out how with a perl wrapper...

Just spent a bit of

Just spent a bit of time doing some mad surfing... man, it is depressing: I find a lot of sites that are defunct all of a sudden. It's not as bad as that ghost town feeling, but it's starting to feel a bit dilapidated around the edges...

Fun with instant messenger bots...

Fun with instant messenger bots... this one was hooked up to the Eliza psychoanalysis program. I sent a message to a friend, he started writing back, and the program took over without him knowing. After a couple of exchanges, here's what we got... (he is drim, my handle, possessed by Eliza, is tunesmith)

drim: He Im me
tune: But your word for it.
drim: Word for what?
tune: What is it you really want to know?
drim: Hell if I know Im confused.
tune: Do you wish that you know Im confused?
drim: I know garlic makes my feet stank
tune: Is it important to you that your feet stank?
drim: Nope
tune: Does that have anything to do with the fact that your feet stank?
drim: Yes
tune: Please tell me some more about this.
drim: It all started when i was doing your mother...
tune: Were you really?
drim: Well no, but you do look like me and I could be your dad
tune: Are you saying no just to be negative?
drim: No, Im saying it cause I didnt want to pay child support
tune: Are you saying no just to be negative?
drim: sure
tune: That is interesting. Please continue.
drim: You mom was heavy into garlic at that time and well she was real freaky in bed
tune: We were discussing you -- not me.
drim: Thats just it you are me.....son
tune: What makes you think I am you?
drim: Well are genetic makeup is the same I can prove it.
tune: What do you suppose that resemblence means?
drim: We are hung like shetland ponies
tune: What is the connection, do you suppose?
drim: Nothing unless your running naked through a field.
tune: What about your own running naked through a field?
drim: Done it many a times, sucks when your thing hits a rock
tune: Do you want my thing hits a rock?
drim: Well son I hope you wouldnt repeat my mistakes.
tune: Does that suggest anything else which belongs to you?
drim: Well my nuts aren't far behind
drim: I was speaking in tongues, forgive me.
tune: Why do you tell me you were speaking in tongues now?
drim: Well cause I needed to get it off my chest
tune: Why do you say your chest?
drim: Well I wanted to say your moms chest but I was trying to drop that subject
tune: Perhaps I already know you were trying to drop that subject.
drim: Well if you knew I knew then we all knew and then well I guess that just proves your my boy
tune: What would you do if me knew you knew then we all knew and then well you guess that just proves my your boy?
drim: I guess Id jump off a bridge, now that I think about it.
tune: That's quite interesting.
drim: You should see the growth on my ass, now thats interesting.
tune: Why do you say your ass?
drim: Its much more crude then buttocks.
tune: Let's discuss further why your mistakes.
drim: What mistakes?
tune: Are such questions much on your mind?
drim: Nope, wait what?
tune: What do you think?
drim: Sheesh I thought your mom was hot, if you must know.
tune: What do you know about me must know?
drim: I told you that already.
tune: You're not really talking about me -- are you?
drim: Well shit you obviously didnt inherit my brains cause yer just about as dumb as a post.
tune: Does it make you feel strong to use that kind of language?
drim: Nope, I usually like to rub ben gay on my testicles to prove how strong I am.
tune: Is it because you are that you came to me?
drim: Well you did help me rub it on my balls one time if thats what you mean
tune: What would you do if thats what me mean?
drim: Something to ponder.
tune: But your nuts aren't far behind.
drim: Never are.
tune: Did you think they might not be?
drim: I once had this dream....
tune: What persons appear in your dreams?
drim: Well your mom, and that new girlfriend of yours, a gaggle of geese and an ice scream scoop.
tune: Do you want my mom?
drim: Already had her, thanks.
drim: My chest what? Is concave and I have man breasts? Probably.
tune: Why do you say your chest what?
drim: Well you said it first.
tune: Oh, I said it first?
drim: Nope I did
tune: Can you elaborate on that?
drim: Probably but Im busy with your mom
tune: What makes you think of my mom?
drim: Tight sweaters and the smell of gasoline.
tune: Earlier you said your ass.
drim: Nope, your ass.
tune: What about your own ass?
drim: Its out back, hitched to the post.
tune: But your chest what.
drim: My chest is next to the bed, full of shit.
tune: Does this topic make you feel angry ?
drim: Nope, I was already angry.
tune: Perhaps I already know you were already angry.
drim: Like I said before...
tune: Can you elaborate on that?
drim: Nope
tune: Does talking about this bother you?
drim: Yes
tune: Why don't you tell me a little more about this.
drim: Because Im a little teary eyed now.
tune: Does that reason seem to explain anything else?
drim: Nope, Im going now, your mom is calling.
tune: Why are you concerned over my mom is calling?

It occurs to me that

It occurs to me that if anyone is going to read my blog... I might actually have to contribute to the greater good. Man, that sucks.

So... I think my contribution will be... figuring out how to make one of those archive calendar things through php and xml.

I don't know how useful that will be, as folks probably won't appreciate an xml conversion being a prerequisite... but you never know. So step one is the xml conversion. We'll see how it goes...

Looks like the guys over

Looks like the guys over at The Spark are trying to hire writers. God, what pressure to come up with ideas like they have!

I was referring to the

I was referring to the sidebar on this page... :)

(conversation starts)
(14:04:22) storysprawl: You mean the dome guy?
(14:04:37) storysprawl: The guy that never notices the bug covering up his domes?
(14:04:55) storysprawl: I'm deliberately being oblique here.
(14:04:55) docpete72: Huh?
(14:05:02) docpete72: Ah right.
(14:05:14) storysprawl: Why do you look up to him? :)
(14:05:32) docpete72: Because he doesn't take bribes or smoke opium.
(14:05:46) storysprawl: how do you know? commercials don't exactly have backstory. :)
(14:06:04) docpete72: Not backstory, subtext.
(14:06:05) storysprawl: then again that might be a fun writing project. backstories of all our favorite tv commercial people.
(14:06:16) docpete72: Actually, it's the one about the oreo cookie.
(14:06:42) storysprawl: You know, peter parker got bit by a spider, the VW commercial guy was given his first blow job in a bug.
(14:07:02) docpete72: How ironic!
(14:07:24) storysprawl: what's the backstory of the oreo cookie guy? you already see his whole life in that one.
(14:07:44) docpete72: I don't know. I was being oblique that time.
(14:08:09) storysprawl: I am wondering at which point in this conversation you actually started to know what I was talking about.
(14:08:36) docpete72: I'll bet you are.
(14:08:37) docpete72: :)
(14:08:44) storysprawl: Maybe you're still faking it.
(14:08:46) storysprawl: Oh my god.
(14:08:52) storysprawl: Maybe I'm writing to the wrong friend.
(14:08:59) docpete72: hahhahhah

Well, I screwed up my

Well, I screwed up my mandrake box again... this time with 8.1 and cooker. It's a known bug. Really don't want to spend time fixing it. It just got sunny outside!

Massinova rocks. I am not

Massinova rocks. I am not even so much into trance, but I just love this site; its structure, its backend - it's using a java streaming library that I really like, too. Too bad jrev hasn't been updated in like a YEAR. Anyway, I've got massinova installed as a side panel in mozilla, even - always one click away to blow away my ears.

Interland, Inc. has the virtual

Interland, Inc. has the virtual server plan I might want. I've been wanting to find a centralized home for museworld, storysprawl, tangrams, and thunderthumbs - this might be the right place for it. We'll see... right now I'm spending $50/month overall for my setup so it's a hefty jump, BUT I might also be able to consider dumping DSL, getting cable, dumping my phone line, and living off a cell phone, which would save me, gosh, another $70/month or so.

Adequacy.org || Why the Bombings

Adequacy.org || Why the Bombings Mean That We Must Support My Politics - This link is being passed around as something witty, but it actually pisses me off. Actually, it's not so much the article that pisses me off, it's the fact that so many people think it's witty and a good point. It's one of those artful zinger pieces that SOUNDS wise but is actually pretty silly and doesn't hold any water.

Think about it - it's quite possible that we, our society, might be doing some things WRONG... (duh), and also that there might be solutions out there, eventually, that would be win-win. These solutions are going to be introduced by people that believe in them, and you know what? That's politics. Does this guy think this shouldn't happen? Or that ideas should only be introduced by people who don't advocate them? Or that they should only be brought up out of context, rather than when it's most relevant? This guy's essay is basically hypocritical because it's a reaction to articles with politics the author disagrees with - he wouldn't have written in in reaction to articles whose author's politics he agreed with. It doesn't matter that the essay itself is essentially neutral. All that means to me is that he removed his own teeth - he shied away from taking a risk and putting himself out there, in favor of trying to score a few style points - and it looks like quite a few people have fallen for it.

That's all why I disagree with it. The only reason it pisses me off is because it reminds me of what I hate about debates - debaters saying sound-bites that SOUND cool and actually have no essence, and then people reacting to them by giving them points for being witty - never mind the fact that it actually wasn't a very good point.

Found this Ode To America

Found this Ode To America via MetaFilter. I think it's a bit cheesy, but the gist of it is something I agree with - the reaction to 9/11 did a lot to ease the cynicism I felt I was succumbing to. There was a courage to physically express and share emotions, there were tasteful, non-self-serving tributes, there was the recurring sense of wisdom in Joe and Jane Everyperson. The part that pisses me off is that while I sense that this is what America truly is (and even helps me to appreciate the symbol of the flag again, in that I feel I have something to celebrate that feels American), the government and press seems to be from two totally different countries. For all the people that protest the government around here and bitch about the press, there's a bunch more that roll their eyes. Overseas, we're the country of trade and foreign policy controversy. It's too bad that our government and press don't reflect the heart of what the american everyperson is.

My motivation has been absolutely

My motivation has been absolutely crummy this week. It's odd, I don't really know what to call this particular "condition" but it's not like I've been unhappy, or bored - and I haven't felt particularly lazy. So it's definitely not any of those pseudo-depression things. I just don't have a big old wonderful something to be involved with that spurs me onward. So anyway, I just took some steps to help with that... and we'll see what good that did.

Heard from Tamara (the gf) today - she's having a great time in Galway, Ireland hanging out at the pubs and learning the traditional Irish music. She better teach me when she gets back. We're in a good phase lately. Bad phase a couple weeks ago, good phase now.

No big plans, so it's probably a good time to work on some of that follow-through I've been trying to muster up. I'm gonna make myself a killer calzone, also. Pesto, veggie sausage, and lotsa cheese. (I'll never be vegan again.)

Falwell-Robertson-Bin Laden Quiz - I

Falwell-Robertson-Bin Laden Quiz - I got 8 right out of 20.

I think it is a

I think it is a grumpy week for a lot of people around here - at least it was yesterday and somewhat the day before. I had a few conversations with folks that led me to believe that I wasn't the only person that was feeling "out of sorts" - I'm feeling a bit better this morning. Got my list of things to do, am going to do a favor at the church, and might get to practice some afterwards...

Woo! Someone else is linking

Woo! Someone else is linking to me. He and I are brainstorming an enhancement of my Music Tech site. (Or rather, will be after he does some more work on Fairtunes.)

Bleah... the piano was unavailable...

Bleah... the piano was unavailable... because there was a memorial service in the room where I practice, which is a pretty good excuse. And then the library didn't have the Dello Joio piano sonata I wanted - although I did get my library card, so that's cool - and I did find out which sonata I wanted through process of elimination, so now I can think about buying it.

Took a closer look at NaNoWriMo and I'm very very tempted. One of my local friends said he might do it with me. Wow, that would be cool to have a novel done!

Found some good rdf documents...

Of course, then how would

Of course, then how would my blog books be any different than your run-of-the-mill Kurt Vonnegut books?

Wait, did I just bring up KV-esque-ness as a flaw? Perish!

Crap... really feeling out of

Crap... really feeling out of sorts today! Lunch was nice enough but I felt like I had skipped a step in whatever "join-the-world" routine we all go through every morning. Wasn't all there. I've been putting off my piano practicing but I really should go do it.... so yes. That's where I'm off to now. Maybe I'll feel better... even though I have had this sour not-moving-enough-emotion feeling in my stomach all day. Grraaaah!!

Found more hackery ideas - like, I'm thinking of making my blog xml, doing an rss-channel. Then if I wanted to get REALLY funky I could hook this up with cocoon and an xsl-style sheet and let people download months of blogs as pdf books. Not that they'd WANT to, but... hey, I could bind up my blog months volume-by-volume in nice etched leather and keep them on my bookshelf. Why the hell not?

Here's a question - how

Here's a question - how to make blogs more encouraging of personal depth. All right, maybe that was more an objective. My point - we've got a whole community of people recording their thoughts, their whims, their moment-to-moment wisdom, but it all seems to hang out on the surface. Long lists of short, interesting tangents - like reading The Bathroom Book. Like eating potato chips.

But what of people's desires to evolve and grow in particular directions? In order to delve instead of skim, it takes hard focused work. Coming back to something that has been reported before, approaching it in a fresh angle, offering new takes or even answering old not-rhetorical-but-forgotten questions from earlier entries. I wonder what kind of online journal that would be... I mean technically. It would require some sort of crosslinking or "last active concept" or something - a de-emphasis on always merely having the most recently written entry up top. Huh.

That's what I get for

That's what I get for writing about 9/11 right before going to bed. I woke up dreaming that something horrible and escalated had happened and felt all out of sorts this morning until I really got moving. Feeling better now though...

Should be a good day today. Having a businessy lunch meeting with some friends, then will probably go practice piano again. Beth has inspired me to get a library card and I might go try and find a Norman Dello Joio piano sonata I've been thinking about for a while.

I just love Tom Tomorrow.

I just love Tom Tomorrow. He's almost as good as The Onion.

Reacting to 9/11 coverage

I swam in the news coverage of 9/11 for the first few days, then took time off, then swam in it more... we've got this range of channels here on portland TV, 34-40 or so, where it's being covered all the time, and whenever I flip through it's just about overwhelming, and then I come to the idiots on FOX News who are saying all these awful things and it pushes me over the edge so I flip past to something silly. I think I'm emotionally "on schedule" so to speak but then I come across a pocket of coverage or opinions, somewhere on the tube or on the web or on a mailing list, and it's fresh all over again. So I don't know. It is odd to be in two places - to be affected deeply sometimes and not at all at other times... I'm at the third degree, which is pretty far - I know a couple of people who know people who know people who were injured or killed. It'd be different if I were closer, maybe? But maybe only in intensity...

ev has a good idea.

ev has a good idea. November is National Novel Writing Month. I'm sorely tempted to do either that or ev's idea, write a collaborative novel. Anyone want to do it with me? I know at least three people that might be reading this that might like the idea. We could even do it on StorySprawl.

Found and installed dotcomments. Not

Found and installed dotcomments. Not bad. A php script could have a lot more features, but it isn't bad. Now let's see if anyone is reading this yet - anyone want to say hi? :)

I was supposed to go to choir tonight but dinner didn't agree with me. There was an offchance I was going to run into a fun person I met last week but I'll have to run into her another time. She might teach me how to make complicated puppets. How cool is that?

Hooray! I've got a list

Hooray! I've got a list of weblogs now. People I know or have met online that have blogs, and another of mine. Maybe I'll eventually get some actual traffic...

I'm procrastinating. Cleaned up the

I'm procrastinating. Cleaned up the template a bit. Still haven't gone downstairs to finish my 401k.

Soon I'll add a list of friends' blogs and maybe start a new blog that is just for my favorite poetry.

Here's a proof of my

Here's a proof of my upcoming business card - pretty cool, huh?

Well it looks like the

Well it looks like the bloggerbot is down so I'm having to log in. This is another reason to start toying with XML-RPC. I might write a little tcl desktop app for my linux box since I haven't used tcl before. I'm not motivated enough yet to actually DO that but maybe the third time I have the idea will be a charm. :)

Today's about 401k's. The whole internet whirlwind of the last couple of years led to me having a few different partially-funded 401k's and I'm trying to consolidate them. What a headache! It's also painful to think about the transfer because it means I'll be selling out of some positions at a major loss. No matter how unemotionally I understand that selling them means nothing when I have the option to buy back in immediately, it still feels like a reality slap to actually sell them.

One of my current projects is figuring out how to make cell phone ring tones. I made a few midi melodies yesterday and today I'll be trying to convert them to the right format.

What to do today... didn't

What to do today... didn't really make any goals for today which was the first mistake I guess. :) It's entering birthday season for family and friends - Mom's is Saturday, Tamara's is the next Saturday, and then I have three friends whose birthday is November 20th. So I'm sending off a card today - a disgustingly cute kittie-cat on a floral pattern and I totally slam the card on the inside. I love kittens, but I wanted to give this one a mudbath. Worse than Nermal.

I might do some piano practicing today as I'm thinking of getting Debussy's Reflets dans L'eau ready to play by the time some friends come out next week. I'm also thinking of maybe finally trying to get my piano compositions worked up so I can record them to mp3. I've got about four of them - they're pretty much preludes, nothing huge. But it would be nice to make them real.

And this would be a

And this would be a test from the aim bot. You know, I know perl and I've written an IRC bot before, and perl has an IRC module. I bet an IRC bloggerbot could be written just as easily.

Inviting Emergence

I was explaining to a friend about how I have been feeling pregnant. Metaphorically. (Side note - if I have to EXPLAIN that it is metaphorical, is it still a metaphor?) The next big idea is coming... but has no form yet. I don't even have any reason to believe it's coming soon. I just know I'm working hard to create space for it, and hopefully it will manifest soon... and hopefully I won't be sitting around, bored, waiting for it for too long.

Things are definitely different than they used to be. I'm not talking about the post 9/11 "in-general" stuff. I mean for me individually. I used to worry so much about security... surrounding myself with structure... it seemed to go hand in hand with my innate cautiousness, my aversion to adventure (or at least adventure I couldn't control). Now it seems I couldn't care less about security. I'm happily living in my expensive apartment, unemployed for six weeks, not really looking too hard for the next thing. I've actually been quite content to just open up my ears and listen for invitations. And I'm starting to get bored with routine, too - REALLY bored. I might find myself going on some huge adventure before I know it.

But really what I want more than anything is an idea. Something to evoke passion, something to be single-minded about, yet something so encompassing that I feel that all of me is being exercised in the effort. I just sorta feel like I want to go BIG for once - something that doesn't have a low ceiling.

So I'll be writing. Hunting the World (even if only (pseudo-)metaphorically) for my Muse. I'll be writing, sometimes with big ideas, sometimes with flights of fancy... sometimes with mindless drivel. And it's your choice to be subjected to it. :)

Curt