Hunting The Muse

Chimp Hacks Election

And no, I'm not referring to Bush, I'm referring to an actual genetic chimp.

In Washington DC on Wed. Sept 22, five experts will demonstrate various manipulations of the actual Sequoia and Diebold software to be used in the Nov. 2 election. Experts range in skill level from Dr. Herbert Thompson, a security expert and the author/editor of 12 books, to Baxter, a chimpanzee.

And Diebold's response?

Diebold strongly refutes the existence of any "back doors" or "hidden codes" in its GEMS software. These inaccurate allegations appear to stem from those not familiar with the product, misunderstanding the purpose of legitimate structures in the database. These structures are well documented and have been reviewed (including at a source code level) by independent testing authorities as required by federal election regulations.

In addition to the facts stated above, a paper and an electronic record of all cast ballots are retrieved from each individual voting machine following an election. The results from each individual machine are then tabulated, and thoroughly audited during the standard election canvass process. Once the audit is complete, the official winners are announced. Any alleged changes to a vote count in the election management software would be immediately discovered during this audit process, as this total would not match the true official total tabulated from each machine.

Hey, dumbasses. If I vote for Kerry, your machine can show Kerry on its screen and record Bush in its innards, and also print out Bush later, without me knowing. Who cares that your machine's innards match with your machine's printout? They're both wrong, and my vote got switched.

And, what the hell is up with you sharing your personal problems in your press releases? I don't need to know about your embarrassing medical problems. I think it's unprofessional. What am I talking about? You talked about it in your press release, that's how I remember it. Here's proof:

Diebold strongly refutes the existence of any "back doors" or "hidden codes" in its GEMS software. These inaccurate allegations appear to stem from those not familiar with the product, misunderstanding the purpose of legitimate structures in the database. These structures are well documented and have been reviewed (including at a source code level) by independent testing authorities as required by federal election regulations. In addition, I have gastro-intestinal problems. I also have open sores and halitosis. My kids say I'm ugly, they hate me.

See? The quote matches my memory. Therefore, you said it. It's irrefutable. Dumbasses.

Posted by Curt at September 24, 2004 10:03 PM