Hunting The Muse

Been a couple of days,

Been a couple of days, I know. I think I am sort of glad that my don't-know-if-she's-my-girlfriend doesn't know about the weblog because I don't really want her to keep tabs on me this way... or perhaps I did tell her and she'd be reading with me assuming she wasn't, which would be okay too... at least I'm not tailoring anything. I've really just been destroyed these past couple of days. When a woman cheats on a guy, they say in literature that he grows horns... he gets "cuckolded" or something. metaphorically I can understand that, I feel like ashamed, like all of a sudden I am sort of the wimpy guy who that sort of shit happens to, who has girlfriends that cheat on him... it feels like I've been branded or something. It is fucked up because I know both that if roles were reversed then *I'd* be the dick and my girlfriend would just be a victim, which is nothing to be ashamed of... and also because I have male friends who have been cheated on in the past, and I don't see them as branded or weak or subconsciously damaged at all - I think of them and I just see that they were willing to put themselves out there, to invest their power and fidelity to another, which to me is a state of higher manhood. I just don't feel like I've totally integrated that view into myself yet.

I haven't broken up with her... there might be an implicit "yet" there but I am not sure... I am definitely taking a break for a few days because I really need to get out the house. We've sort of reached a point where I know she fully understands what she did and I know there's no more awful surprises coming about what happened, so I'm taking a breather. Posted by Curt at October 31, 2001 12:57 PM