Hunting The Muse

Guess I'll give a brief

Guess I'll give a brief update about Tamara. Hey, is anyone reading this at all? Comment here or email me if you know my address. I probably need to figure out how to get this in circulation... anyway, all through Tamara's overseas stay we've talked about doubts about the relationship and using the time to be sure. We both talked openly about what it would or could be like to be intrigued by someone else - like if it would happen, how we'd deal with it, wondered if it would happen, etc. So then it happened... it happened in a way that I really didn't like, but the challenge is figuring out which parts of that I just opened up to, and which parts I can fairly feel pissed off about. So, it happened, but on her end. It hasn't happened on my end, and there's all this extra baggage there, like if things are ending now, I wonder how long it'll be before I'm in a happy relationship again - I'm a relationship kinda guy. So anyway, we talked it out afterward, and I still wasn't sure how I felt, and then I had a second wave of being bothered by it and I backed away more. That's kind of where it is right now. We're not talking for a while, until I want to start talking again.

I'm spending some time trying to get my head together. I still really want to buy a house. But I also really want a job that I enjoy. I have been toying with starting my own smaller side businesses but the general process of making things real from absolutely nothing still feels kind of alien to me, so I don't know if I can do it. In order to get a house as a self-employed person, you need to have a two-year track record of income, and the interest rates are a bit higher. That's no fun. So I'm starting to think of going back to the salaried life a bit... but I don't feel hopeful of finding one that will be something I truly enjoy. So I'm a bit torn... I really wish some newer creative answers would start to reveal themselves and I'm working really hard to visualize that happening. I'm not bad at coming up with ideas... just need a bit of ignition past that point... and a bit of good fortune mixed in. Posted by Curt at November 10, 2001 01:06 AM