Hunting The Muse

I was talking to my

I was talking to my friend Harmony today, about the big pseudo-relapse I had this week about the ex. What was nice is that at the end of the talk I realized I felt really good about everything. To explain...

Last week I was just feeling really down. And it concerned me because it was one of those non-situational downs; I couldn't immediately find a good reason for why I felt down. You tell a lot of people about those sorts of feelings and they immediately say, "Gosh, sounds like clinical depression! Let me tell you about my therapist! You should read about THESE pills and THESE pills and THESE!...." So I sort of kept it to myself, because I've already been through that whole thing.

Then this week I started to feel like I was really missing the ex. We were in the middle of a break. We had been talking semi-regularly since the breakup (she is still in Ireland), mostly to "process the breakup" and figure out what we needed. And all of a sudden I really missed her, started remembering all these things I liked about her, about hanging out with her, about how we interacted, and I missed her.

So I thought about it... and I callled. And she was a bit colder than I thought she would be. And it kind of got to me, and all sorts of feelings started to tumble out and I realized that this whole time since we've broken up, I've been a bit frozen, more frozen than I realized I was. And I thought about it more, and I realized that the whole breakup was about me feeling like I had power taken away from me. It was some sort of manhood thing. So I really shut her out in ways that I hadn't realized, that were understandable, but unintentional. Because she had cheated on me - not as much physically as emotionally. And all of a sudden, three months later, I must have thawed, and remembered all these ways I like her and miss her, ways I hadn't thought about for a while.

So I told her about all that, and I'm glad I did, because it turns out I had come across to her like that it was really easy to get over her - my boundaries were extremely clear and no-nonsense and matter-of-fact. And it made her feel like I not only really wanted to break up (which was true), but that it was so easy that I must not have loved her all that much in the first place... after all, why would it be so much harder for her than for me? She was having so much trouble and it sure didn't seem like I was. And I was able to tell her that it was just because I had been frozen, feeling unsafe... it wasn't that I didn't love her. Rather, it was that I loved her so much. That other perception of hers felt off... and I felt unnaturally cold. It needed correcting. And now our relationship, despite still being broken up, feels a little bit warmer, more accurate. We're back on break now.

But I was concerned. I'm liking her more now. And I feel less inclined to ask someone else out on a date now, even a light date. Still want to see friends just as much, but these other people that seemed.... interesting just two weeks ago, now I just want to avoid them. So I was concerned - was I having complete second thoughts about breaking up? Was I wanting to get back together with her? I didn't exactly feel like that; I haven't been imagining having long kissing or make-out sessions with her or anything, but what's with this other stuff?

So then it hit me... with Harmony's help. I forget who said it first, but it hit me - I think it means I am past Rebound Stage. I got past Rebound Stage without actually getting into a Rebound situation with a girl. And then I felt good. And then Harmony just buzzed for a couple of minutes about how incredible she thinks my thoughtfulness and self-commitment is, and I felt even better.

Yay me! I'm past Rebound Stage! And I figured more of me out! Hooray! Posted by Curt at January 20, 2002 12:04 AM