Hunting The Muse

Well, it's a strange

Well, it's a strange second half of the week. My friend that I shouldn't call my "ex" because it compartmentalizes her too much and doesn't honor the other facets we share so I really should just call her by name except that since this is my blog I don't want to call her by name (hereafter known as MFTISCMEBICHTMADHTOFWSSORSJCHBNETSTIMBIDWTCHBN) is arriving in town on Friday after eight months away in Ireland.

It is kind of freaky. We weren't on steady footing when we left; had already decided to start living apart even before she decided to go overseas. Then some Bad Stuff happened and we broke up, and I've ended up feeling like I'm done with that phase of my life. And now she's done with Ireland and is moving to Portland, and I see her on Friday.

We decided to just spend a day together just to kind of deal with this thing head on. On Friday. I guess I don't feel too worried about anything... just knowing that it will be really weird to run into her. And I'll feel like I ran into a ghost, and I will be mad, and it will hurt, and maybe I'll see some new things also. I guess I'm expecting that it will be intense and not entirely pleasant, but healthy in the long run.

We say we are looking forward to seeing each other but I also wonder if maybe that is a bit idealistic and if it will just hurt a whole bunch. We have a lot of safety processing pain with each other, but what will make this weird is that I will feel protective about showing too much of my process to her anymore... just from being worried about it being too bonding in a false way.

At the same time, my social life is getting a bit active in a couple of interesting ways. I'm being a bit clumsy about it, idealizing a bit heavily and then getting a hold of myself... I have to remind myself that even if I imagine I might feel ready to start dating a bit, I might still only be ready to make new friends. I've had a couple of experiences already where fantasy starts getting closer to reality, and then reality shows itself to be a bit more complicated than I remember. So I put effort into balancing myself before it gets to be too late and someone (whether me or the other person) gets left in the lurch.

So I guess I'm a bit guarded in general. That's fine by me. I'm okay with melting slowly. Posted by Curt at March 6, 2002 10:52 PM