September 23, 2002

Losing control typical in child

Losing control typical in child abuse - They have an expert give advice on child abuse phenomena. Pretty insightful. However she also gives advice on how to deal with extreme emotion. I looked her up and sent her an email reply.

Hi Ms. Berliner -

I read with interest today's article on abuse and Toogood at msnbc.com (http://msnbc.com/news/811799.asp). I think the stuff they represented you as saying were insightful and helps parents - I couldn't help but think it would be good for Toogood to hear too.

There's one thing I wish would have been different. The article included this section:

“Finding yourself almost in a rage is not rare for parents, especially when kids are in the 4-year-old range,” she said. But when you find yourself in that moment, there are two things parents need to do:
* 1) Cool off. That means count to 10, leave the room, get away from the situation; and
* 2) Reason with yourself. Tell yourself that society doesn’t allow it, that the consequences would be terrible for everyone.

(The context makes it sound as if these two options are how to respond to having the emotions at all, not just the urge to hit your child.)

There is a third option that is valid, and that is 3) Express your rage in a safe manner. If you're home, you can scream wordlessly, or hit a pillow, or do anything to physicalize the emotion you are feeling in a way that does not hurt yourself or another. Expressing rage isn't the same as hurting or threatening someone, although too often, if it's repressed for too long, it can leap out in unintended ways ("I just lost it.")

I think that when advice on how to deal with emotion is left at the two options above, it can lead to the impression that it is inappropriate in society to have feelings of rage *at all*, which is very unfortunate because given our ability to repress our emotions and damage ourselves over the long run, it can contribute to psychological unwellness -- or even increase the likelihood of of "just losing it" at a later date.

I don't know if the "2 things you can do" was your construct or msnbc's attempt to summarize, but I hope you will consider including the healthy *physical expression* of emotion (in a safe manner) in future presentations.

Thanks so much for reading.

Curt Siffert
Portland, OR Posted by Curt at September 23, 2002 02:48 PM